Post #16

Feelings are imposters

The Office of Chaos · Filed Under: Office of Things I Didn't Need Today

Sometimes I just don’t know if I’m coming or going. My body isn’t the only thing on a rollercoaster of shitstormery, my feelings are too. BUT you already know that, you’re living it in all its FUCKING needy, soul-sucking glory. They say feelings are often the most honest thing we have when it comes to guiding us. That whole thing about gut instincts for a start, (which I happen to believe because I’ve ignored it many times and lived to regret it) is something we’re told to follow. So the gut’s a tried and true compass of how we feel inside without knowing it.

But don’t get it confused with surface feelings. Those things are more slippery than a cheating lover. They don’t stand still for a single moment to tell you the truth, AND they go OUT OF THEIR WAY to trick you, confuse you and then send you down the wrong turn just to save themselves.

And during perimenopause when things aren’t already screwed six ways to Sunday, they get even more brazen and barefaced. The estrogen levels are tanking and they affect serotonin the happy hormone that keeps us smiling, so it also takes a nosedive. Like a pair of kamikaze bombers on a bender streaking towards doom. So down goes the mood, cue super sad, depressed, and irritable and with higher stress, levels cortisol ‘make up’ for what’s missing in the most sadistic way. It applies the pressure making you feel all round CRAP. Add in the other dive bomber, progesterone that usually makes you feel calm, you end up with a CRASH and burn of emotions, feelings pouring wildly out of every orifice like a night club at closing time.

BUT get this, you suddenly find yourself becoming overdramatic, overblown and amplified like your teenager (if you are unfortunate enough to have one of those) huffing and puffing at every little thing. Or histrionic like your mother–in-law, (shrieking and laying on the woe is me as thick as it’ll go) mine does it because she LOVES attention and is a prime attention-whore. BUT I’M NOT so how come I’m feeling the drama? Well yep. Feelings. But are your feelings real? Mine FUCKING AREN’T unless you count wanting to gag the MIL with my old socks. That one’s far too vivid to be fake; thank fuck – well everyone keeps telling me to be more positive, to think happy thoughts.

I’m not saying discount what you feel during this time. DON’T in fact. I say embrace the fucking chaos. It’s not going anywhere anytime soon, so roll around in it and get dirty. But after that step back for a moment and try to get some balance, some perspective because YOUR FEELINGS ARE IMPOSTERS! They are in league with your body, are working against you like some hideous Wormtongue and telling you there’s an alarm ringing VERY DAMN loudly and you need to get the fuck out. This isn’t always true.

Sadly it takes a bit of know-how to separate the real from the fake. My answer is to track the symptoms and note what I’m feeling. You know how you once wanted to throw pans at your boyfriend’s head at PMS time? But now he’s your husband and you ACTUALLY throw pans at his head? Those feelings are tricky because while your irritation might be exaggerated by the hormones, it is highlighted by something tangible like the man-child prick STILL leaves his dirty skid-pants on the bathroom floor for you to pick up.

I know balance is the hardest things to achieve right now because EVERYTHING is swinging more wildly than jock wiener in a locker room. But when you feel the drama meltdown train a’coming? Let it. Ride it out then forgive yourself! Act first apologize later, you’re allowed.

All Out Cranky