Post #35
Will testosterone give me a penis?
The Incident Report · Classification: Hormonal Hostilities · Mission Status: Armed with Sarcasm
There’s a LOT of talk about estrogen and progesterone during perimenopause but when it comes to testosterone, the room gets stiller than a cowboy saloon when the gunslinger walks in. People shift in their seats, reach for their guns, and eye each other with suspicion. For fuck’s sake, it’s just a hormone no big deal. So seriously people, what’s wrong with talking about testosterone? AbsoFUCKINGlutely nothing!
Maybe it’s the connotations of male sexual characteristics, perhaps it’s a smear campaign concocted by toxic maledom to keep ‘their’ hormone to themselves. Hoarding it like greedy chipmunks, keeping it away from pesky females? The theories are many, but NOT based in reality or logic. The fact is testosterone is a ‘we’ hormone, not a ‘them’ hormone. Both men and women share the same hormones just in different ratios depending on what dangles betwixt their legs!
The sad fact is this. Where women are concerned testosterone is actually neglected; it’s the redheaded step-child of the perimenopause journey. Nobody wants to acknowledge it, never mind start tickling it under the chin affectionately and offering it hugs!
But after doing some digging (you know me, nosey as fuck) I found out that it’s even less researched than the other sex hormones. It just doesn’t seem to be on the radar when things go cock-a-hoop in a woman’s world. Partly because the medical profession (ironic to call them pros given how lax they are most of the time) has fewer studies to refer to and blathers on about “a lack of safety” but frankly if this was about dick-shrinking they’d be at it quicker than a randy pup having at it with a chair leg. They also fall into the gender bias trap, i.e. women don’t need testosterone. Fucking fools the lot of them — women have testosterone too, and it matters.
Then there’s that actual nub. Big pharma just hasn’t got round to funding enough research as it’s too busy price-gouging the populace with other things. Though in-roads have been made in the pellets arena. I’ll say more about those in a bit.
The need isn’t there, which translates as “we don’t actually give a toss.” Well dickheads, we need answers. Alas past abuse of testosterone by athletes has it down as a Schedule III controlled substance in the US, so it’s been shoved under the rug even further. Thanks for FUCKING nothing meatheads, women have to jump through more hoops than a dressage mare to get it!
Aiiyeeee well at least that’s out of my system now let’s get down to brass tacks as they say. Testosterone naturally changes with age in both sexes, but when it does so in women, that delicate hormonal Tango gets screwed up. Things get even more complicated because sometimes declining estrogen and progesterone means the effects of remaining androgens become more noticeable. Ask any woman with PMOS, the piss artist formerly known as PCOS. Bottom line testosterone matters. It plays a role in sexual desire, and researchers are still investigating what testosterone treatment can and can’t do for other symptoms.
Although low libido during perimenopause is normal for some, if this disinterest lasts a LONG time (over 6 months or so), causes distress and can’t be explained by other factors, you might have hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD). That’s one situation where a clinician may discuss testosterone treatment.
So now what? Well despite the distractions, there are ways. Pellets and compounded creams are a couple of them, though neither is the preferred first choice in many clinical guidelines because dosing and quality can be difficult to control. But it’s also good to remember that ratio and dosage are important. Nay, essential!
In my own case imagine my shock when I had a supposedly low-dose pellet injected into my butt cheek and there it sat for a few months just doing its thing. I felt fine, there were even some tingles down below that made me consider riding Tatter Cloak after just seeing the curve of his finely turned rump. My energy was higher, words stopped stuttering mid-throat and actually matched the thoughts in my brain. So far so good. UN…TIL. My next appointment when the doctor (actually she was a nurse and highly recommended) decided a higher dose was in order — like the naïve innocent I was back then (when I trusted medical unprofessionals) I agreed. BIG FUCKING mistake.
The first sign of something not being quite right was in the shower as I scrub-a-dub dubbed my lady bits. Hang on a second, did my clitoris grow? I shrieked from behind the curtain like Janet Leigh in Psycho, until Tatter Cloak arrived and looked down at my ‘penis.’ “Yup, looks like you grew a bit there darlin.’” At this point I’m still shrieking, luckily there was no blood (just the imaginary blood-letting of my nurse) and no Norman Bates. I eventually got out and investigated calmly.
He was right, my willy was there like a tiny finger of shame pointing down to my toes like my nipples and belly rolls. I sighed and vowed to keep an eye on things. I mean what could I do with this thing inside me? Clutch at my backside like a twerking maniac? I had to wait while the pellet released its contents over the following weeks.
In the meantime, little willy grew and my hair started falling out. I vowed then that my relationship with testosterone (in this format) was O-VER. My nurse (Ratched) decided to tell me, “yes it can happen,” “no it’s not permanent,” and finally the non-committal words of a cowardly witch, “I’m sorry you feel this way.” WTF what do you mean “feel this way?” I grew a fucking little dick and you never warned me? But I suppose I should have done my due diligence and not just expected a medical pro to know. Lesson well and truly learned.
NOW, if I ever consider testosterone again, I won’t be going the pellets route (they’re just not for me). Or to a nurse who blames me for not feeling okay when she dosed me. That’s like having the bedside manner of Dr Crippen. I’d want a properly monitored, adjustable dose I could stop if I needed to!
NO CRONE ALONE!