Post #18

Scratch that itch

The Official Crone Records · Incident Type: Unscheduled Developments · Root Cause: Because Of Course

I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I seem to have no problem doing the Wacko Jacko crotch grab when I feel the need to readjust my errant, thigh-sticking labia. What I didn’t add was the Itchy and Scratchy show being in town. I itch and I do it at the MOST inappropriate times. But then as a Crone in utter unadulterated chaos, that’s to be expected. So while the offending articles are indeed the labs as I am now calling them, the itch is not just confined to the crotch. In general my skin has me crawling out of my skin! The technical term for this is Pruritis and it’s REALLY FUCKING irritating. Imagine a mosquito bite, for me it’s that level of itch. Once it starts I just can’t l keep my hands off.

Very inconvenient mid-conversation when you’re trying to make a good impression. But like all the other mysteries of perimenopause and menopause, there’s no rhyme or reason, no pattern (except for the particular mood your hormones might be in when they fuck with you) to it. One minute you’re, “hi I’m Mrs Tatter Cloak, pleased to meet you,” the next you’re manically plucking the nearest toothpick from the cheese and ham hedgehog and doing a Ramón Mercader (Leon Trotsky’s ‘friend’) with an ice pick into your ear hole! NOT THE BEST way to meet your husband’s boss. But when that itch takes, NOTHING will stop you from TAKING. IT. DOWN MOTHERFUCKER!

When estrogen levels decline everything dries out. We already know that the effects on skin are for it thin, decrease the collagen levels and make elasticity go down the drain. Oils and lubrication go with it and things just itch, get irritated easily due to a weaker skin barrier (the mechanism that keeps germs out). The drop in progesterone also has a hand in the itching too and sometimes the ratio between estrogen and progesterone does. Complicated much? Ah but the chaos doesn’t end there. Sometimes, HRT and estrogen supplementation raises the histamine levels in the body. And these are responsible for how the immune system deals with threats from things like allergens. Basically our bodies can start freaking out.

Estrogen stimulates mast cells (cells that produce histamines) to release histamine. It then gets busy decreasing DAO (diamine oxidase) the enzyme that clears histamines out of the body and removes the itch. If you are getting too much estrogen and become estrogen-dominant (which is what happens in perimenopause because progesterone falls away faster than estrogen leaving it to wreak havoc like a solo drunk on a bender), then WHAM high allergic reactions and itching goes nuts.

But it’s not all bad news because progesterone is like a natural antihistamine. It stabilizes mast cells, and boosts DAO to undo all that damage done by estrogen. SO WHY THE FUCK ARE WE TAKING THIS STUFF, you might ask? Well we need it. PLUS getting the two hormones to play nicely and be balanced is what’s needed. UNBELIEVABLE how much utter CARNAGE hormones can cause. I’d be impressed if it didn’t fuck me off so much!

BUT and there’s always a BUT. There’s a rare condition called APD (autoimmune progesterone dermatitis) which makes the immune system hypersensitive to progesterone. So it triggers mast cells to cause hives, rashes, or anaphylaxis. YUM YUM…NOT.

So for me the usual spots like itchy back, arms, legs, chest elbows etc still itch but labs, inside ears and feel are the FUCKING BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. If I could grow long nails (another thing snatched away by the evil menopause fairy,) I would scrape myself silly. But I can’t so I settle for a knitting needle or a grizzled old loofah. (I used to find those things rough once! HA I laugh in the face of that roughness now I have skin like a mangy crocodile). Off I go to itch my privates in private.

Crone Moan Complete