Post #37
Woah are these my boobs?
The Incident Report · Classification: Unexpected Developments · Mission Status: Deflated but Defiant
I remember being 12 years old and watching my friends at the front of the booby queue. Hands greedily stretched out like Oliver Twist, getting some more. By the time I got there ‘more’ was less! But I got a pair of perky boobs which I sported for decades. They never got complaints from hunky stallions or Tatter Cloak, but still many of us in the Itty-Bitty Titty Club will wonder at the unfairness of nature and want more like Oliver T.
Feeling attractive and feminine has been a thing for us women since the beginning of time and we always want what we don’t have. Big-boobed want small ones, small-boobed want big ones. Nobody’s ever fucking happy. But sometimes that thing happens and suddenly you’re reminded of that saying, “careful what you wish for,” because just like that famous tale, The Monkey’s Paw, you might get what you want (but in the most fucked-up, distorted way).
As a chaos wrangler you’d think I’d be okay with this, but getting boobs as an older woman is fucking weird! They hurt and itch at the same time. Okay, they’re not the painful rocks that would hurt even if I crossed my arms or took my clothes off (like puberty tits), but starting HRT definitely made them sore.
At first I thought I was just getting fatter (yes, that damn well happened too. Bloated and firm, not a great combo), then I realized it wasn’t just the belly that was growing, it was the perky boobs. I admit I haven't worn a bra in ten years, as shocking as that sounds. In fact I reckon I was exercising those breast ligaments of mine and actually making my breast tissue get swole (or buff as the kids say these days). Well, that’s my theory, anyway. But I digress (yep me, I’ve been known to get off topic — nothing at all to do with brain fog!).
We all know sex hormones influence breasts (it’s probably the only time we paid attention in biology class, so we could learn the sex tips of the birds and bees), what with pregnancy and such. But somehow, we forget the birth control or perimenopause years. Starting HRT can feel like a puberty bullet: tenderness and fullness can show up in the first few months, although how much changes, and for how long, varies from Crone to Crone. Great news for itty-bitty, potentially bad news for whoppers.
Estrogen and progesterone can affect breast tissue, while changes in weight and fat distribution can change the shape of our boobs, hips and bellies. Hey presto, boobs! How big they get depends on more than hormones alone, including genetics. AND now, before you all get excited, sometimes nothing happens at all.
So there I was with knockers AT FUCKING last. Quite pleased too. But then the inevitable happened. The evil tit fairy came along with her pin and whoosh, after all that soreness was gone, so were my new breasts. Fucking typical, now if only the giant ass and belly would too. But I get the feeling they’re staying!
A quick note before the tit fairy flies off: breast tenderness can happen when starting or changing HRT, but a new lump, nipple discharge, skin changes or persistent or one-sided pain deserves a proper medical check rather than being written off as hormones.
NO CRONE ALONE